For the last
two days, the forecasts in the New York
Times have promised relief sometime today. A powerful cold front is lumbering
toward us from the northwest, pushing more hot air in front of it, but
promising rain behind that. I keep looking at the sky for the first harbingers
of all this, wondering if each toss of a branch is the beginning of the weather
system, grateful for the prospect of relief, and apprehensive of what the
"thunderstorms, sometimes violent" of the Times report portend for my train trip up the Hudson Valley this
afternoon to assist at a weeklong retreat. Two years ago, I was headed for
Easton Mountain on the same route when a deluge brought down trees across the
tracks and delayed us for eight hours.
Checking the
web for alternative, perhaps more up-to-the-hour reports of what to expect is
an exercise in self-perpetuating anxiety. The weather websites stoke their hit
counters on hype, and so instead of "thunderstorms, sometimes violent,"
weather.com offers "danger of violent thunderstorms," with additional
links, in case you're not yet anxious enough, to features on how best to
prepare for the contingency. The weather is a threat, and the response to our
lack of control is to pretend that we have some.
Part of the
powerful mythology of my mother's family was my maternal grandmother's deep
connection to nature and the earth. She planted trees at the house she moved
into as a young wife and mother, the house where she would live nearly the rest
of her life, the way most young couples place furniture. She raised foundling
birds the way she invited stray human children as well to her already
overextended kitchen table in the midst of the Depression. My mother habitually rehearsed a description of the rest of the family cowering in the house, in the midst
of Indiana summer storms, while my grandmother stood at the back door, looking
up into the wind and lightning and laughing in delight. I never saw my
grandmother do this. Though I was blessed to know her for a few precious years,
she was elderly, disabled, and sliding steadily into dementia from the early
years of my childhood. But I'm grateful to my mother for passing this memory
on, vividly enough that it's become my own.
I don't
imagine my grandmother being foolhardy about the danger. I think she just
didn't really give a shit about it--that she'd
decided the possibility of
getting hit by a falling limb, or electrocuted, was the acceptable price of
seeing a wonder she wouldn't miss for the world.
This wild
abandon seems to me all the more miraculous when I think about how she started
her life. The abused stepdaughter of a woman who broke my grandmother's hip
when she was nine, she fled the house four years later and dropped out of
school to work in a greenhouse and live with the family who owned it. I think
she was about twenty when she became pregnant by my grandfather, and they
married, to the disapproval of his lace-curtain German immigrant family. That
first child died in infancy. I imagine going through all that in your first
twenty-one years might make you hold on to safety even more tightly. But my
grandmother went the other way. She would never have used such language, but I
imagine her thinking, fuck it, death by lightning strike would be a glorious
romp next to what I've already been through.
I bless the
memory of this woman. I breathe in gratitude that her blood runs in my veins, and
I pray that I may have inherited some small portion of her spirit. I pray I'll
be ready to look up into high winds exploding with ineffable sound and light
the next time I have the chance, instead of cowering against a perceived
threat.
I think of the two dozen amazingly
adventurous and spirited souls with whom I'm about to spend a week at the Body Electric School's Erotic Temple
retreat. I think of the journeys that have brought us all to this improbable rendezvous.
I think of the courage it takes to bring our wounded histories, our longing to
heal the rift between the sexual and the spiritual in our lives as queer men,
our anxieties about being fully seen, our fears about what we can't quite yet
face down in ourselves. I think of how easy it would be to scan the horizon for
thunderstorms, sometimes violent, and seize up in an effort to brace against
their danger.
And I pray
that my grandmother will send her spirit upon us all.
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